t was an accident, honestly. I had no idea I’d be staying in a hotel with that had a giant plug-in pink vibrator on my pillow, a luxurious jacuzzi tub, and a private vending machine in my room that sold lubrication, sex toys, and lingerie.

I booked the hotels last minute as it was a treat for my 22nd birthday. Overall, I did pretty well – the Ryokan in Kyoto was a super win with my room opening into a private garden, the hotel in Naha had a big pool and was in the heart of the nightlife. Of course, there was the failure of the Ryokan-with-no-doors in Tokyo. But here in Osaka, I felt I’d found an upscale executive hotel near the Dōtonbori area that looked super comfy. No more sleeping on futons on the floor to be authentic. This just reeked of 45yo businessman comforts – thick comforters, cold air, and fast wifi, and for a fair price too.

The arrival

I arrived in Osaka on the train from Kyoto at noon, it’s only 30 min or so. I made my way to the hotel only to be briskly told that check-in wasn’t available till 5 pm. This should have been my first warning signal – but I missed it. Over the years hotels have progressively implemented later and later check-in times, I’ve seen 1, 2 and 3 pm – but 5 pm really? I was NOT happy.

So with 4 hours to kill, just sitting in the hotel waiting-lounge with my suitcase and iPad. I decided to sign into their wifi and wait them out. In the past, I’ve seen that sometimes they’ll take pity and ‘find a room’ available. Or sometimes it’s just a bid to get you to pay an early check-in fee.

15 min later a hotel clerk came over to inform me I wasn’t allowed to wait in the hotel waiting room. (she did this via a round pocket translator), that I’d have to leave the premises and come back at 5 pm. This made me even less happy. I’d say I was wearing a frowny face by this point. After a late-night of drinking, an early train ride and facing a 5 pm check-in time I politely told the universal translator that she was free to call the police to drag me out by the hair, but I wasn’t budging from the waiting room. She laughed and declined. Shaking her hand no-need.

Jacuzzi with non-stop adult films

Selfie-face

Soooo comfortable bed

Fast forward

Eventually after someone else came over to translate (and gave up), she eventually told me that if I were willing to pay a FULL night’s accommodation fee I could check in now (now only being 3 hours to wait till 5 pm). Um… No thanks! She hurried away and then my phone rang? Surprisingly it was booking.com – friendly and apologetically he advocated that maybe he could suggest paying half the nightly rate if I wanted to check-in… (sigh), but the hotel was non-refundable… Okay – deal. Finally, I’m in my room only to be faced with the said giant vibrator staring at me… wtf!

Now everything clicked, all the cute couples I had seen checking in, sometimes much older men with very attractive young girls. This was a love hotel, but a rather upscale one at USD 100 for 3 hours.

Late that night as I was getting ready to go barhopping I got a knock on the door from a male manager who was much sterner and acted shocked to hear I had negotiated ONLY half a night fee for the three hours. Certainly, this is wrong, could I please pay up – now. I requested that he talk to the female clerk but he said she was off work already. No problem I said, we’re here 3 more nights! So sorry, but she’s on a sudden vacation for just three more days he replied. Lol. Eventually, I paid the half nights fee under the table in cash with no receipt and I assume it got pocketed. The female clerk was back at the desk the next day, so I guess her vacation got canceled.

Adult vending machine in-room

Pixel porn

The room itself was fantastic, as plush as the pictures, the jacuzzi tub was huge even if I had subtle fears about what might be lurking and bubbling out of the vents, and I have never seen a TV so large, it literally -stretched across most of the wall and had channel after channel of adult films.. Of course in Japan, all the naughty bits are pixelated out. There’s even a TV in the bathroom, above the tub so you could watch the pixelated goings-on if you were so inclined. It was a little disturbing to see pixels mashing together. C’mon Japan – with all the hentai, octopus comic books and adult shops lighten up! 😉

The best description I could find (on Quora) for this pixelation:

“Asked what the LOGIC is, frankly, I’m swamped. I have no idea what is achieved, except frustration, in using censorship in porn. The definition of porn is a material/media you enjoy to get sexually excited. How does it remain porn if you cut/disturb the exciting part out of it, is beyond my capacity of reasoning… The person who has sat down to watch a porn video already knows that there’s the icky-icky and there’s the pokey-pokey, and they are doing icky-pokey when making noises like an antelope in the grasp of a leopard. Right? It’s not like that most porn watchers are innocent convent girls in dangerously short skirts with squid-large eyes, are they? No, they know what they expect, they have the mental image formed, and then you deny them that on the off-chance a kid is watching. One in a million chance, literally.”

FYI – The vibrator had two speeds; strong and earthquake and was good on my erm… Feet and back.

A coin machine in the room, in case you need more supplies from the adult toy vending machine

At least there was an ice cream vending machine on the corner

Nothing against love hotels, but if I had known in advance what it was I would have rather picked out another one with a cuter theme like a school dormitory or Hello Kitty. Still watching the comings and going of the well-heeled clientele certainly over the next three days provided an eyeful.